Why Do We Hurt Those We Love?
Why do we hurt the people we care most about in life? We say we love them yet we get so frustrated and end up hurting each other. Why? Could it be that we actually get something from being this way?
We must get something because one thing is for sure, we all do it from time to time.
To say it's just human, or that it's just the way we are isn't enough for me. Because if we want to experience a better standard of relationship, a more enjoyable life together, we need to understand and to take a different kind of action. Even to have just a chance at creating a life that we both want.
So what is it that drives all human beings to develop patterns and behaviors that hurt? And why do we do them over and over again?
And let's ask the one you're really reading this for... what, if anything, can we do to stop it?
I have been answering these questions for 30+ years of my life.
It upsets me as a man to think sometimes I have hurt the person I love the most. But I have. This is life. Sometimes we all make mistakes. But if you hurt each other often, if it happens regularly when we say hurtful things, we must be getting something from it.
The rather dark truth is, we do. We all meet our needs by the feelings and behaviors we exhibit. The six human needs we meet by sabotaging our relationships are the psychological needs we all have :
Certainty
By making ourselves right and our partners wrong, we meet our psychological human need for certainty. A need that we all haveĀ and will unknowingly do anything to meet.
Certainty is comfort, security. The need to know that we will be ok. Have a home, a friend, a job, money in the bank. But it's also strength to know with zero doubt that we are right. Even if its painful for those we love!
People can feel certain by being the best at their job, the best partner in a relationship, by having a surplus of Ā£5000 in the bank, or by having a faith in something greater than themselves. Ā But we can also get certainty by putting our partners down, or by having bigger problems than our partners. By reinforcing our problems.
We ALL find ways to meet our need for comfort and certainty. These methods are vehicles for meeting our shared human need for certainty in life . How do you meet yours? What makes you feel strong in yourself?
Variety
By creating new problems and blaming others we can meet our psychological human need for variety. Think about it . If life was certain all of the time what would it be like? If you were so certain that you knew everything that would happen tomorrow, next week, next month. Every single day you were certain what would happen so that you had a sense of comfort and security. You would become incredibly bored.
That's why you also need variety. Even if you meet your need for variety in destructive ways, you will still meet it. At any cost. Some in history have died just to meet their needs.
So for example, do you swing emotionally from feeling angry and pi$Ā£ed to feeling sad or down? We call this the Crazy 8 pattern. To meet our need for variety some go from intense feelings of depression or sadness to incredible frustration and anger, and then back again. Because this pattern meets the need we have for variety . Other ways can be smoking, or food or other forms of chemicals that change our state.
Maybe you are beginning to see some ways in which you have been meeting your own psychological needs.
Others meet variety in life by taking holidays, getting a new project at work or home, by going out with friends on a weekend . Or by having a hobby or interest outside of the normal life. Some do it by skydiving. I do it by walking barefoot over fire. It's just my thing that I have come to love doing. And it's different. It's variety. Some do it by threatening to leave, or always questioning if the relationship will work.
Significance
Just like certainty and variety which are paradoxical to each other, significance is also a psychological need. It is the need to know we are someone. That we are special in some way . Everyone wants and deserves to feel needed. But it is how we meet our needs, the vehicles, that are key.
Some meet the need for significance by becoming really strong and putting their partners down regularly. Some by having the biggest problem, bigger than anyone else's problems. Some have the worst ever depression, or find something to be more angry at than anyone else. If you ever hear someone say "You don't know what it's like being me!", then you can see how their significance is being met.
Having the nicest car or homeĀ is how some meet their need for significance. Or by having a skill that nobody else has. Or a unique hobby. Or by having a certain amount of money in the bank. Or by being able to drink more than anyone else.
Can you see how we all meet the need for significance in one way or another? The truth is we all have multiple vehicles to meet our needs.
Also if our partner does something that hurts us by making us feel small or wrong, it makes us feel insignificant and it can be very painful if this need is important to us. Which of these needs are most important to you?
Love or Connection
Another, more obvious psychological need is love or connection . The thing here is if we don't connect with someone else in a relationship, we find a way to connect with ourselves in our emotions and give up on loving our partner.
One way or another we meet our needs. Do you meet yours in a healthy way or a way that causes problems in your relationships?
When our behaviors and feelings meet our needs so deeply, it is easy to see why they are so powerful in our relationships and life. It is said that if you have something you do that meets 3 or more of your needs then you are addicted to that thing. You are using it as a vehicle for so much of your psychological support.
When we can get so much from sabotaging our relationships, how could we ever stop? We must be totally F'd right?
Wrong.
We all have the ability to choose. This is what Victor Frankle learnt in the concentration camps. His oppressors could take everything from him, apart from his ability to choose the meaning he gives to things. We always have a choice. In meeting our psychological needs, we can find vehicles that work for us rather than against us .
We do get something from our pain and our problems. And from blaming each other or hurting each other. But life has a beautiful way of working things out and providing a way forward.
There is absolutely a way forward that can be happy, loving, and fulfilling. The answer doesn't reside in anyone else but you . And you can do it.
As a life coach, I'm skilled in finding the resources within you to become that person you thought was so far away and never possible. We work together on changing every thought and emotion into one's that serve you. With the ultimate aim of building a much happier and more fulfilling, free life.
If you want to know more about beating self doubt in relationships, follow my page or download my free book on my website!
Chris
#selfimprovementĀ #selfdoubtĀ #confidenceĀ #relationshipsĀ #angerĀ #lifecoachinghappinessĀ #lifecoachingĀ #selfesteem
Wishing you all the best in your life, and I hope and look forward to a time when perhaps our lives will cross again š«¶.
Chris - Your Life Coach
PS. If you have doubts about yourself or your relationships and it's getting in the way of a happy and fulfilled life, you might be interested in my free book on beating self doubt here Self Doubt Book.